Here are some pictures of dogs jumping!

These dogs were talking shit saying they could jump higher than me. Stupid dogs! I am much taller and win by default.

This dog thinks he is the cock of the walk with his fancy pants haircut. Your haircut has too much wind resistance to jump you dumb dog!

 This dog lives on a farm in Chicago. He is a racist, but one helluva jumper!

 This dog knocked up my sister, but she got an abortion. They are both going to hell.

This is a painting my uncle did of a dog known as the "Cock Throddler". He hunted them in the caves of Florida.

This dog can jump higher than all of you! u jelly?

Here's some funny pictures of old people!

These are some sorta asians. Look at them! They are old!

Look at this old lady! I dunno even know what race she is cuz she's so old, but she has a tiara!

This old person took a pic with her son! Look at it!

This old man is broke as shit!

This silver fox just robbed someone!

This old motherfucker gets all the bitches!

This old-ass grandma is a dirty little whore!

Old people, YOU ARE AWESOME!

Sarah Pailin, GO FUCK YA-SELF!

Sugar, knock it off with the weak ass comments!

Putting crap like "Sugar is following you" or "Sugar visited you" or "Sugar was here" is getting annoying.  I know I'm singling out one person and there a lot of people that do this. If you are commenting to get more followers, take 2 minutes to read the post, or even part of it.

Tell me in the comments if I am just being a whiny bitch. I can take it.

Bidvertiser Sucks and Causes Popups

Sorry to everyone for the 2 days of popups.  Bidvertiser forgot to mention this or hid it in the fine print.  People would leave my blog instantly when I had Bidvertiser ads up for 2 days.  I didn't notice right away since I had a popup blocker.  I've since removed Bidvertiser and will never use them again.

Fuck you Bidvertiser!

This domain name has been seized by ICE - Homeland Security Investigations

WTF is going on here? Is this a fucking joke or is the US really abusing its power to shut down unpopular torrent sites? This image is from http://www.torrent-finder.com/ but http://thepiratebay.org/ has been left untouched.  I'm thinking that torrent finder is just pulling some shit for publicity.  What do you think?

Happy Thanksgiving Assholes!

It's finally over! Do you all remember why you hate, and maybe love your families? The Christmas bullshit has already started and will get worse, but tough it out.  Only a month or so to go until this bullshit is over.

For my non-USA readers, Thanksgiving is a day that we eat a lot of food with people that annoy us.  We do this in celebration of us slaughtering the unholy shit out of the red savages so all the white people could come over and fuck shit up.  It all worked out pretty sweet until we let the corporations make us their bitch.

Drunk Santas and Zombie Jesuses

It's a little early for Christmas and really early for Easter, but fuck it, here's some drunk Santa and zombie Jesus pictures!

Banksy, I think

This one just looks sweet

I'm sure I'll see a lot of this Blackout Wednesday

Getting tired of thinking of littlecaptions

I'm watching Sarah Palin show.  I can't believe how terrible it is

She is trying to club some fish on a boat

I hope you enjoyed these pictures.  Willow just said, "Mom, no talking".  I agree Willow.  Did you guys hear she called some dude a "faggot" on Facebook? I'm sure Sarah throws that word around constantly, especially when talking about her husband.  Willow! I will impregnate  you like I did your sister so you can start making money on interviews and shitty reality TV shows.

Mr. Horton: The Different Strokes paedophile

Many of you guys either didn't see this (double) episode of Different Strokes, or have pushed it way, way down.  Teachers sent notes home or called parents to tell them it was an important episode to watch.  It was to teach kids about avoiding paedophiles or something like that.  It was pretty fucking awkward watching it with mom and dad, but now, it's fucking hilarious.  This is my favourite remix on YouTube:

Who remembers this shit?

Commercial spokespeople I hate

I'm willing to bet most of you already hate these bastards, but I figured we can all take shots at the spokespeople and the companies that put them on television.

5 Hour Energy Guy

This guys smug look of self satisfaction makes me want to punch a baby.  And his little looks of "Come on.  Really? Your dumb ass still drinks coffee?" makes me want to insert a large, pointy, BenGay covered object into his rectum.  On top of that, he is suggesting you use it to get more work done at your shitty office job where the real reason you can't work harder is because you're dead inside.

State Farm Insurance Guy

This asshole really grinds my gears.  Another smug looking mother fucker judging people for the ways they are trying to save money.  Maybe they wouldn't have to try to save so much money if their insurance company wasn't dicking them over.  Most bankruptcies are from health care costs, and of those cases, most of the people have insurance.  Then, he goes and interrupts that chick who looks like Kim from Matt and Kim non-stop.  She should have falcon punched him in the throat.

5 Hour Energy Mom

She walks into the scene and I immediately can tell she is a major bitch.  Then, she claims that she was nervous to try 5 Hour Energy.  Nervous? It's not meth, it's a nasty tasting, overpriced, energy drink that no one I know that has tried it thinks it works.  Then, she talks shit about her husband right in front of him.  He doesn't say anything because he probably has gave up on any chance of a happy marriage or just shutting this bitch up.


That's all I got for now.  I'm sure I'm missing one.  Let me know in the comments if you can think of another and I'll add it to the list.

Videos from the Tim and Eric Chrimbus Tour

I was able to get some shit quality videos with my mobile at the show and decided to share with you guys.  If you don't know wtf I am talking about, read my post titled Is anyone else excited for Chrimbus?


Petite Feet:

Carol:

 

Some tribute to Casey:

Get your poke on:

Chrimbus Song (Gonna make you wet):

PUSSWHIP BANGGANG:

Is anyone else excited for Chrimbus?

All my friends seem to hate Tim and Eric.  One even said that he thought I was smart, but now thinks I am stupid based solely on the fact that I watch "Awesome Show" and think they are funny.  Then, there are a bunch of people who have no idea who Tim and Eric are.  Watch the video below advertising their live tour going on now.

For those of you who do like Tim and Eric, I'm going to Awesome Tour 2010 bitches!

How to piss in a urinal with no splashback

 *http://www.porcelainpoetry.faketrix.com

I heard many man experience a splash back when using a urinal. Some go as far as to piss in a stall, making others think he is a pussy. I am feeling generous today and decided I will share the secret of pissing in a urinal with no splash back.

This is the most common urinal that I see. Many men have tried pissing anywhere from a direct stream to the back wall of the urinal to pissing almost straight down onto the urinal cake or rubber mat. Neither strategies will work along with anything in between.

The secret to success has less to do with aiming up or down and more to do with with aiming right or left. What you are aiming for is an angle that is close to the angle of your stream. You can get close by pissing almost straight down, but the urinal cat or mat will cause splash back.

The best option is to use the very sides of the urinal. On most urinals you can find some where to aim that works best. The image above shows how to do this. The "X" is where you aim, and the "O" would be the tip of your penis. You aim you penis so you get a stream 30 to 45 degrees. Wherever it naturally goes.

Now, let the piss just flow out, don't blast it or you may get a little splash back (certainly less than blasting it directly though). Above is a diagram giving you a bird's eye view.  I paid an artist $5000 to make it look good.  Try it out. It may take a several tries to perfect it to your personal piss, but it is the best method.

Wash you fucking hands when you're done! That does mean just rinse them with water and take off. Use soap, wash thoroughly. If you wear a suit or fancy clothes at your work, you are probably guilty of this. I don't care if you are douchey fancy pants, you got an extra 10 seconds to use soap!

That's it. Leave your piss tips in the comments. Follow me if you like my shit. Donate some money, I spent all mine on drugs.

Here is what I see from my desk!

Does anyone else work in a place monitors all over the wall? Can you guess where I work?

I must move to Colorado and do this!

I know this is in Switzerland, but Colorado is more realistic.  I would need huge, huge balls to pull it off.

Worrying is always a waste of time

Most people worry, but some go over the top.  I used to be one of them.  I used to worry I would get cancer, get AIDS, get a girl pregnant, end up in jail, that my friends dis-liked me, death, etc...  Usually, we worry about things that have already happened.  I would argue that this is a complete waste of time.

Let's talk about death among the whole slew of things people worry about.  This is pretty common among the people I have talked to, and it is also the worry I see as the biggest waste of time.  You are going to die.  We are all going to die.  You cannot change this so it is completely pointless to worry about it.  It may seem that worrying about death will eventually get you to an answer, or convince yourself to accept it.

Worry will not help you accept death.  Accepting death will help you accept death.  Maybe my experiences are unique, but I tend to believe they aren't.  Did your grandparents die? Did they go out screaming in terror their last week or so?  Or, did they tell you or imply that they were ready? Everyone I have seen die from sickness or age accepted that they were going to die and even told me they were ready. 

Sure, I had friends die in car accidents and overdoses.  That was instant and those people most likely didn't worry about death.  If you are afraid of dying from a car accident or overdose, don't do drugs or drive drunk or like a prick.  Again though, people spend more time worrying about what they can not control.  People who worry about things they can control will eventually fix the problem.  Those who don't may want to see a shrink.

It isn't easy for everyone to just change and I'm not saying that.  Next time you start to worry about something you can't control, stop yourself, take a breath, and tell yourself it is not under your control and you don't need to worry about it.  Tell yourself you may as well enjoy your time than worry about it.

If you are worrying about something you can control, again stop yourself.  This time, come up with a good, easy plan to solve your problem.  Even coming up with a plan will make you feel much better.  Take small steps, execute your plan, and never worry about it again.

I had anxiety bad.  I use these exercises and they have really helped.  Hopefully they help you too.



*Most of the inspiration behind this post goes to my shrink.

Cliché office talk I absolutely hate

I've had a good amount of beer, plus I'm on medication.  I decided I want to write about the stupid shit I hear co-workers say every damn day.  If you work in an office, I'm sure you have heard all these.  I have developed good responses for you.  For those who haven't, this is real and you will be more prepared to deal with it.  The movie Office Space should be considered nonfiction.

Problem: "Hey! Thanks for bringing me lunch!"
When walking into the office with my lunch, I constantly hear shit like this.  It makes me sick.  I get the joke, but hearing it three times a day before I get a chance to sit down and eat is extremely annoying after two years.

Solution: "No.  I didn't get this for you.  Why would I bring you lunch?" or a nicer reply: "No.  Did you want me to grab you something? Want a bite of my burger? I'll share with you."
The best defense to this is to either respond with a blank stare, or pretend you don't understand its a joke.  This will throw them off.  I often offer bites of food or sips of drinks to people I work with.  In an office, this is considered creepy.  If you creep them out, they will never make this stupid ass joke again.



Problem: "Where'd you go for lunch?" 
Again, back to lunch.  I will walk into the office holding my bag of McDonald's.  It's fucking McDonald's, everyone knows what it looks like and what those shit burgers smell like.  Where the fuck do you think jackass? You see the bag I'm holding! Why do you have to ask me? If you must welcome me back from my 5 minute journey to get fast food, just say "hello".

Solution: "Oh! I went to Ruth's Chris and grabbed porterhouse with grilled asparagus.  You want a bite?" 
This is easy.  Think of a restaurant (<- fuck that word) that you would never be able to travel to in a reasonable time, or something that is extremely expensive.  You always need to offer a "bite".  That implies you ill be biting the same food they would.



Problem: "No [insert anything] allowed!"
This often happens when you announce where you are going.  Examples:

I'm gonna grab some coffee...
No coffee alllowed!


I need a smoke...
No smoking allowed!


Solution: "I would kill myself if I had a job where [insert anything] is not allowed."
Completely ignoring this crap works for most of these stupid comments.  To go further, make them feel uncomfortable.  This one is tough though.  The perpetrator will usually say this loud enough for others to hear and they will do the fake laugh.  Saying something about killing yourself will cause multiple people to feel uncomfortable.  Especially if you use my other solutions.  Shit, you may even get some free time off if they really buy it.



Problem: People blocking you from exiting the elevator.
These dumb fucks, especially on the first floor, will stand right in front of the elevator doors as if they know it will be empty.  When the doors open, and seven people are crammed in, they are too stupid to get the fuck outta the way.  It hassles multiple people and they aren't even trying to troll.

Solution: Juke right and left matching their move as long as you can.
Everyone has done it.  You try to pass someone, and for some reason, your brains sync and you keep trying to pass on the same side they are.  This usually happens randomly.  Force it and keep it up as long as you can.  If you make it 30 full seconds, you are a champion and they will probably consider not blocking the elevator.

The word "Nigger"

Listen guys, this has gone on long enough.  The more we act extremely offended by the word "nigger", the more power we give it.  We need to start using the word and take away its power.  There are plenty of other words that should rightfully be as offensive.  There are other groups of people we are fine stereotyping and using racist terms for.  Let's put an end to this and take the power away from the word "nigger".

First off, the more we use a word, the less power it has.  Saying "Oh my God!", or "Jesus Christ!" used to be a horrible sin.  Now, you hear it constantly.  The word "shyster" is actually anti-semitic.  It is (or was) used to refer to Jewish lawyers, or Jews in general, but many people would not think twice about using it.  Let's remember that the Holocaust happened more recently than slavery in America.  In real life, I know plenty of Jewish people (maybe you do too), that do not give a damn if you use the word "shyster" or any other anti-semitic word.  The word is used frequently and has lost its power.  Let's take that power away from the word "nigger"!

Aside from slavery, people will argue that it is wrong to use words that "make fun of" people who can not change the way they are.  Really? I hear the word "retard" constantly.  I think we can all agree that a person with a mental disability has the least control of "changing who they are".  The word retard is used constantly.  You can say that it has a different meaning, or you are not saying it to be offensive.  Let's give "nigger" a different meaning.  Let's make the word "nigger" so stupidly overused that no one would actually be offended by it.

Are you offended? Read the article again.  Say the word "nigger" out loud.  It shouldn't have power.  It doesn't have to.  People choose to give it power.  If you are scared to say it, or are offended by it no matter the context, you are giving it power.  Get over it! Everyone needs to get over it.  We are a new generation. Many of us are not racist,  Many of us have no reason to be overly sensitive.  We have already taken the power away from many, many former "offensive" words, let's kill "nigger".

My First Post

I've only had about 6 beers so far, so this post won't be very good.  Let's talk about homeless people in the US.  The whole system is completely broke.  This should be a government issue.  The homeless should not have to beg for money.  I know, I know, but hear me out.

Yes, many homeless are drug addicts and/or alcoholics.  Others that I see seem to be schizophrenic or have another psychological or mental defect.  And OK, I'll accept that some are just lazy.  But let's pretend the majority are in the first two categories.  These are health problems! If you are for the legalisation of drugs, then you must agree that addiction is a health issue and not a legal issue.

So donating money to a drug addict will only support their habit.  They will have no chance of getting their act together.  Giving money to a schizo, well, I don't know what they do with it, but we can all agree they need help.

The government needs to give these people addresses, even if they are at a big government office.  They need phone numbers.  They can all use the same number and pay an intern to take down messages.  They need to provide a place to shower and borrow nice clothes.  With an address, phone number, and clean clothes, they have a chance at a job.  The homeless can use this service instead of bugging you for change.  They could get a job and never beg again.

Now, for you fascists who say "I don't want to pay for other people!".  You do it everyday.  You paid for a whole lot of people in the financial industry.  You pay for soldiers in the desert fighting a war you probably don't agree with.  What I am proposing would be much cheaper than both these.

Finally, if you still want to go with the idea that some of the homeless are simply lazy with no other problems... Well, they will continue to be lazy and not get involved in my proposed program.  That works out for you as well because then, you will be able to be a dick to the remaining beggars without any regret.