I've had a good amount of beer, plus I'm on medication. I decided I want to write about the stupid shit I hear co-workers say every damn day. If you work in an office, I'm sure you have heard all these. I have developed good responses for you. For those who haven't, this is real and you will be more prepared to deal with it. The movie Office Space should be considered nonfiction.
Problem: "Hey! Thanks for bringing me lunch!"
When walking into the office with my lunch, I constantly hear shit like this. It makes me sick. I get the joke, but hearing it three times a day before I get a chance to sit down and eat is extremely annoying after two years.
Solution: "No. I didn't get this for you. Why would I bring you lunch?" or a nicer reply: "No. Did you want me to grab you something? Want a bite of my burger? I'll share with you."
The best defense to this is to either respond with a blank stare, or pretend you don't understand its a joke. This will throw them off. I often offer bites of food or sips of drinks to people I work with. In an office, this is considered creepy. If you creep them out, they will never make this stupid ass joke again.
Problem: "Where'd you go for lunch?"
Again, back to lunch. I will walk into the office holding my bag of McDonald's. It's fucking McDonald's, everyone knows what it looks like and what those shit burgers smell like. Where the fuck do you think jackass? You see the bag I'm holding! Why do you have to ask me? If you must welcome me back from my 5 minute journey to get fast food, just say "hello".
Solution: "Oh! I went to Ruth's Chris and grabbed porterhouse with grilled asparagus. You want a bite?"
This is easy. Think of a restaurant (<- fuck that word) that you would never be able to travel to in a reasonable time, or something that is extremely expensive. You always need to offer a "bite". That implies you ill be biting the same food they would.
Problem: "No [insert anything] allowed!"
This often happens when you announce where you are going. Examples:
I'm gonna grab some coffee...
No coffee alllowed!
I need a smoke...
No smoking allowed!
Solution: "I would kill myself if I had a job where [insert anything] is not allowed."
Completely ignoring this crap works for most of these stupid comments. To go further, make them feel uncomfortable. This one is tough though. The perpetrator will usually say this loud enough for others to hear and they will do the fake laugh. Saying something about killing yourself will cause multiple people to feel uncomfortable. Especially if you use my other solutions. Shit, you may even get some free time off if they really buy it.
Problem: People blocking you from exiting the elevator.
These dumb fucks, especially on the first floor, will stand right in front of the elevator doors as if they know it will be empty. When the doors open, and seven people are crammed in, they are too stupid to get the fuck outta the way. It hassles multiple people and they aren't even trying to troll.
Solution: Juke right and left matching their move as long as you can.
Everyone has done it. You try to pass someone, and for some reason, your brains sync and you keep trying to pass on the same side they are. This usually happens randomly. Force it and keep it up as long as you can. If you make it 30 full seconds, you are a champion and they will probably consider not blocking the elevator.